Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Has anyone got a magic wand?

I need someone to wave it over me. I promise to be back by midnight.

I don't know how many times I've started writing this post only to delete it and start again.  I'm struggling to string a sentence together and my thought processes are all over the place.  It's kind of how I feel in general at the moment.  I feel like I'm going round in circles trying to get organised for the big day next week.  I'm just not succeeding.  I feel very stressed and have spent the last 24 hours not knowing whether to cry or scream.

I've tried making a list, but I keep adding and adding to it so that it's beginning to look like an impossible task.  I've tried actually doing things, like wrapping presents, but I look at the mountain of stuff in front of me and feel sick.  I've tried burying my head in the sand but that gets me nowhere.  So what do I do?

I do realise that I'm highly unlikely to be the only person feeling like this at the moment.  It's supposed to be a magical time of year, but for most parents the pressures of money and time weigh heavily on our shoulders.

Yesterday I felt like running away.

Christmas just doesn't feel right this year.  My parents aren't looking forward to it as my uncle is seriously ill, so we won't be spending Christmas Day with them.  It's so upsetting for everyone and I'm struggling to just carry on as normal.  Though I have to because my three lovely boys are very excited at the prospect of Santa stopping by.

I didn't want this to be a miserable post but it's starting to head that way so time to change tack and look at the positives.

My shopping is just about done, except for a few fresh food items that I need to get on the weekend.  My boys are unbelievably excited and even though they get a little wound up at times, it's lovely to watch.

And, hubby has bought me some surprise Christmas presents!  I haven't got a clue what he's got for me but he's got a lot of making up to do as he forgot our Wedding Anniversary last month.  Though even that wasn't all bad as I received my latest item of jewellery for the Tru Diamonds Trendsetter competition

This stunning ring arrived the actual day of my Anniversary (at least somebody loves me ;-)


It fits!
Isn't it gorgeous?  It's just like the famous Kate Middleton engagement ring so I decided that if I'm going to wear it then I need to pretend that I am a princess.  I just need some museums to open, and possibly speak at a few charity events..... Hmm, maybe that won't work.

At least I can shine in work....
Decorating the office tree in Tru Diamonds





















It is a very pretty ring that attracts attention wherever I go.  When I posted the photo of it on Facebook, everyone thought that hubby had bought it for me and I had a few comments from men saying that their partners were nagging them for a ring for their next anniversary.  I did admit eventually that he hadn't bought it for me, but it would have been the perfect gift if he had.  I've been leaving my computer page open on the Tru Diamonds website in the hope that he'll take the hint and possibly buy me some nice earrings to match.

For now, I'll have to settle for pretending that I'm a princess and planning what I could do, and wear.  And also how I wouldn't have to wrap those three thousand presents in the next few days; or do my own shopping.  A girl can dream.....  For now, I'll sip my glass of wine, and keep writing my lists.

Will you be getting any surprise gifts for Christmas, and if so, what are you hoping for?



Princess style
Princess style






Thursday, 13 September 2012

Same old routine

I've been staring at a blank screen all day, struggling to come up with the words I need.

The day didn't start too well. I spent my morning shouting trying to coax the children to eat their breakfast and get ready for school, though that's nothing new.  It's always a mad rush to get out of the house on time but this morning was particularly bad.  It started when I woke with a start and realised that I'd slept late.  Not much but still a bit later than planned, and my mornings are planned to military precision.  I shot out of bed, made the children their breakfast, made their packed lunches and then sent them upstairs to get washed and dressed.

That's where it all started to go wrong.  Within five minutes there was shouting, fighting, crying and then laughing as my youngest proceeded to throw all his toys down the stairs.

I went up, shouted a bit and eventually got them and myself ready to go.

Then I couldn't find my keys.

I spent what seemed like ages racing around the house looking for them, trying to phone hubby (I needed someone to blame) and then found them.....in my coat pocket!

I got the boys to school on time (by some miracle) before heading back home.  Just me and the baby for the day.

Then, 3.30pm arrives and it's the same sort of thing as above, except in reverse and intensified by about a million percent because everyone is tired.

Bedtime is the worst time of day for me.  The boys are excited at seeing their father, they're tired but don't want to go to bed, and I'm heading for breaking point.  All I can think about is wine settling down in front of the TV but the boys aren't going to give up any time soon.

It soon ends in tears (occasionally my own) and the house descends into calm.  Finally no more screaming, tantrums or cheekiness.  For a few short hours at least.

I savour this time of night where I get to relax and be me for a while.  I'm not being nagged; I'm not having to break up fights, answer constant questions or respond to demands for food and drinks.

It's also the time where I sit and reflect on my day and wonder what I could have done better.  I watch them sleeping and I realise that my boys are still so small.  I don't want to spend my days rushing and having to shout at them.  I want to savour this time when they're still young and innocent.

However frustrated and annoyed I get, it doesn't take much to change all that in an instant.  My oldest looking me with his big puppy dog eyes, my middle boy giving me a bear hug, and my youngest holding my hand.  It's these small things that make all the difference.


Saturday, 7 April 2012

Can we talk about mental health?

I sometimes wonder what it would to like to wake up in the morning and not be afraid of anything.  To be so confident and self assured that nothing that can stop me.  Totally free from the psychological shackles that sometimes stop me in my tracks.  When did I start being afraid of so much?  I'm sure I wasn't like this when I was younger.  Or was it just different fears then?  Fear that I had lipstick on my teeth, or that my boyfriend was going to dump me.

All this has started today because I've been feeling ill.  Anyone who has read my post about my phobia will know that I'm afraid of being sick.  The last few days I've been feeling really ill and started panicking about being sick.  I know I'm not as bad as I used to be but it still worried me.  The problem is that the worry seems to spiral and I project the fear into every other aspect of my life.  I can go rapidly from worrying that my children are now going to be ill too, to stressing about my finances, to deciding I've got a serious illness (I can be a bit of a hypochondriac).  I wonder if I'm good enough; I replay conversations in my head and worry that I've said the wrong thing to someone, or that I was too loud, or too quiet.... the list goes on.

I wouldn't say that I appear to be a worrier to other people.  I think that most people see me as being quite confident, and I've even been called 'hard' by a certain member of my family.  I've always believed in self-fulfilling prophecies, in that if you tell yourself something enough, or if you act a certain way for long enough, then you eventually become that way, but even though I may look that way on the outside, it doesn't reflect how I'm feeling on the inside.  Though, I am confident in certain situations.  I've worked in my day job for so long that not a lot bothers me.  I still don't like confrontation, and being a manager it's something I can't always avoid.  If there's something I've got to deal with in work I go through all possible variations of the conversation before it actually happens.  I do my own head in.

As I work in mental health I'm more than aware of the physical effects that anxiety can cause.  I get palpitations sometimes, and recently I'm sure I brought on visual problems because of stress.  I got to the point where I convinced myself that I was either a) going blind b) had glaucoma or c) had a brain tumour!  I had constant migraines and I could barely see out of one eye.  I eventually went to an optician and it was only when he told me that there were no signs of any problems or diseases that I relaxed a bit and all the symptoms subsided.  The effect that stress can have on the body is amazing.  Sometimes we don't even realised that we are stressed because we keep so much in.  I think it's a British thing.  We're expected to be able to just get on with it, whatever is happening in our lives.

Do you ever get that feeling where you feel so much emotion that you think you're going to burst?  But most of the time we keep it contained because it's not the done thing to show our feelings.  If someone is having therapy for whatever problem, then they must have something wrong in the head.  Anything to do with mental health is still such a taboo subject.  Have you ever thought that if it wasn't, then maybe not so many people would suffer?  If people felt they could talk about what was worrying them then maybe they could get the help they needed before they sink into that deep pit of depression.  And I'm not talking of the sort of depression that we all say we feel from time to time.  This is lying in bed, not washing, dressing, afraid to leave the house depression.  The one that separates you from the rest of the world.


The statistics surrounding mental health are unbelievable.  1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year.  That's just in the UK.  What's shocking is that statistics show that around 10% of children have a mental health problem at any one time.  That's just scary, but something we need to be aware of.

I apologise that I've jumped around a bit in this post.  It's been very much a free-flow process and I'm just typing whatever I feel.  I don't want to go back and tidy it up, or make it more organised because I feel that defeats the purpose of the post.

What I really want to say is that we really need to talk more.  It sounds pretty basic but it's the first step to admitting how we feel, or if there's anything that's worrying us.  Keeping it in won't make it go away.  I know I'm a fine one to say this as I find it really difficult to talk about my feelings.  I hardly ever cry in front of anyone, even my husband.  It doesn't always matter who you talk to.  Sometimes I find it easier to talk to someone I don't know as I feel they're less likely to judge me.  You may find it easier to talk to someone who knows you well.  It could be in an anonymous online group,  a specialised mental health service such as Mind, or your best friend or partner.  

I'm going to stop writing now because I don't feel that there's much more I can add at the moment.  I'm aware that even though I've mentioned mental health, I've only really brushed upon it as there are many different issues and conditions that come under it.  But whether it is anxiety and depression, an eating disorder, or schizophrenia, one thing we need to do is break down the barriers and make it less of a taboo.  We are all human beings; all equal but different.  We need to start learning to accept others for who they are, not condemn because of an illness that can't be seen.  We all think we can empathise with others but have we really thought about what it would be like to live for a day in their shoes?  

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

If only I was Superwoman

I've decided what I really need are some superhero powers just to be able to get all the normal household duties done. Today, I have spent all day trying to sort out the house, get the uniforms ready and labelled ready for the children to go back to school tomorrow, washing and ironing, plus the usual feeding of children, nappy changing, bottom wiping, bath time etc, etc, etc. And I'm still nowhere near done. I've had to stuff paperwork into bags, and hide all manner of things until I get more time to sort it all out.

And I should also add in here, my children seem to be totally aware of when I'm stressed as they play up to the point that I could cry. The older two have been fighting all day. They took well over an hour to eat their lunch just because they wind each other up so much. They have driven me to distraction all day. Even the baby has been hanging off my legs!

I was hoping to be completely organised for tomorrow. It's going to be a tough one as it is. Zac's used to the routine now, but it's Ethan's first day in school, and I've got to go to work after the school run so need to get myself ready too. But instead of a nice relaxing evening making packed lunches and polishing school shoes, I've been frantically trying to scrub some sort of fluorescent yellow wax off all my washing (a major disaster involving a melted crayon like substance in the tumble dryer). This led to a screaming match with the hubbie and lots of clothes being thrown away. Not good.

So now it's nearly 2am, no packed lunched have been made, all the things I'd started sorting out in the bedrooms have been abandoned, and I feel like crap. How does everyone else get it all done? Is there something really major that I'm missing here? I always say I need a few more hours in each day, but I don't think even that would be enough at the moment. My Sky planner is running out of space because I haven't got time to watch any of the programmes I record!

I'd really better get some sleep because I've got an early start to finish off everything I didn't do tonight. In the words of my 5 year old son: "Not Fair!!!"