I've been sat here faced with a blank screen as I don't what what to say. I've had an emotional day and emotions are the one thing I find really difficult to talk about. It's quite ironic really as I work in mental health and spend most of my time asking others how they feel, but I can't talk about myself. I know it's not healthy to keep everything in (I tell my clients that all the time) but I'm supposed to be the strong one; the one that everyone else can rely on when there's a problem. I don't really know why as I don't think that I cope with problems very well. So I apologise if this post is a bit disjointed, I just hope it makes some sense.
I found out today that a good friend is seriously ill. So ill that the outcome isn't looking very good. I don't want to focus on her too much as I don't think it's fair for me to discuss her illness but I just wanted to explain what has brought me to this point. Hearing something like that starts putting everything into perspective. All the small things that I worry about seem trivial in relation to what her family is going through and my heart totally goes out to them. I spent my afternoon in work trying not to cry and wondering what I can do to help. I wanted someone to come and tell me what to do; I didn't want to be strong any more.
Before I found out about my friend I had been feeling very low and unable to control my feelings. I have tried to snap myself out of it but that isn't very easy when you feel stuck. My husband has tried to understand but he lost patience with me by the end of the week. I've got three young children and I need to look after them, though I've been fine with that. The children are an excellent distraction and catering to their every whim has given me some purpose. It's when I sit down after my busy day with them and start to dwell on things that aren't going right at the moment. Some of it is normal stuff - lack of money, concerns about my job, arguments with my husband. All the normal day to day issues that I think cause a lot of people anxiety and worry at times. But over the last week I have felt like everything is against me. In a world surrounded by people I have felt very alone.
I've been trying to do some self reflection and I know that I'm a bit of a control freak and I wonder if this is my downfall. I wonder if I put too much pressure on myself to do everything and whether I should ask for more help at times. After all, I am extremely lucky in that I have a very supportive family and some great friends, but I always feel the need to put on a front of being totally capable. I want to be a supermum to my three boys, great in my two jobs, while running my house and being a good wife and friend. I want to be able to support all my friends and family with everything they need. I want it all. I am mostly cool, calm and collected and able to make decisions and deal with problems. On the outside at least. Underneath I feel that that swan; seemingly confident and calm but furiously paddling away below the surface.
I worry about silly things. I over analyse everything. I take things personally and am afraid of upsetting anyone. Yet I've been called an 'ice-queen' and a 'hard bitch'. Probably because I'm afraid to show how I feel. I'm afraid to let my guard down. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I see a facebook comment and wonder if it's aimed at me. I feel ignored a lot. That makes me feel worthless. I wish I didn't feel any of this.
I wonder what I can do to be better. To not be afraid and not to worry about what people think. Surely all that should matter is that my boys are happy and healthy (though that's another massive worry on its own!)
I'm struggling where to go from here. I want life to be like a Disney movie where there is always a happy ending. Something deep within me really wants to write that I feel much better now and life is good. Even I know that it's not that easy. So I'm going to leave it at that, despite my urge to write some sort of conclusion. That's it. For now at least.