Saturday, 3 November 2012

Am I just mum?

I adore my children but sometimes feel like life becomes very monotonous and mundane. Every so often I feel like I need to do something different just to prove to myself that I do exist. It might sound a bit dramatic but days of school runs, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and refereeing fights that break out between the boys just all seem to roll into one. I spend most days answering constant 'why' questions, and I can go from one week to the next without having a decent conversation with my hubby.

My children are amazing and I love to listen and watch as as they learn and grow; but I would like to think that I am bringing then up to be independent. They are part of me but not an extension of me, and they will have their own lives without me one day. I am independent. I don't go running to anyone when I need something and I do not see my husband as my 'other half'. he is half of the relationship, not half of me. I am a complete person. I want my boys to feel the same.

I relish the evenings when the children are in bed and the house is all quiet (and if that makes me sound like a bad mother then I don't really care). The problem is that I'm usually so tired by this point that I end up going to bed soon after them.

My life is busy. I work in my office job two days a week, I do a bit of childminding on the other days, I've got three children of my own and the oldest two have after school activities which I take them to. I've got a blog (stating the obvious), I spend some time every day entering competitions, and believe it it not, I actually try to find time to see my friends too. There's some days where I don't actually sit down until long after the children are in bed.

I'm not someone who cleans constantly. In fact, if you came to my house most days it's a bit of a mess. It's really hard to keep on top of all those grubby fingerprints. I spend a lot more time thinking about cleaning than actually doing anything. So it's not like I could really cut back. I do have some standards. I do the washing and ironing on the weekends, but there's always more to do.

At the moment I'm supposed to be sorting things out ready for Christmas. We're trying to get rid of all the clutter so I've been sorting clothes (the baby clothes have now gone *sob*), old toys and games and now I've got loads of stuff to put on eBay. I just wish it wasn't all so time consuming. I do feel better when I am organised, but that doesn't happen very often.

The problem is that I feel like I need a break sometimes. I know that if I spent more time cleaning, and more time eBaying, then the house would look much better. But what about me? I already feel a bit frayed at the edges as I try to split myself so many different ways.

I recently read a comment where a mother was called a bitch for wanting and expecting some 'me' time. What is so wrong with that? I'd happily have a year off at the moment! My boys are the most important things in the world to me, but I'm still a person too. I'm not just mum. I like to think that my old self is still buried away in there somewhere.

Maybe I'm having an early mid life crisis. I feel like I need some fun and a break from my usual routine. The thought of doing the school run on Monday fills me with dread. Then off to work where nothing ever changes, then back home to sort out squabbling children before the nightmare that is the bedtime routine. Then replay that day for Tuesday too.

So what do I do? How do you manage to find a good balance, or is it even possible where young children are involved? Am I being totally selfish by wanting some time to be me?

Disclaimer: I wrote this post while feeling totally fed up in an early Saturday morning after a seemingly endless half term week. I may have just got up on the wrong side of the bed.